Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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