when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
