I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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