Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
