I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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