i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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