Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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