I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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