so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
