Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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