we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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