My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
