Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
