I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
do nipples grow back?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
