I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
