this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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