I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
this is an emotional support booty call
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
