Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
