She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
