I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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