I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
