Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
