Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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