HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
