im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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