I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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