seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
