dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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