If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
