I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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