yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
