well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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