im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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