I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
