she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
