its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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