girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
