took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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