You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
