When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
