yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
