I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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