No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
