i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
