I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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