I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
