you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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