if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
