U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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