id be glad to
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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